The battle of the photographers: Elton revisited: new reality established

It was indeed Thursday, 1 June 2023, a day that will go down in Rambling history, whereupon two of the most noted photographicers in the history of photogrophicking  each turned up armed (as they say in the trade) with cameraterical equipments, one being a phone the other “yer actual proper kameratery” and started taking what are by and large called “snaps”.

And indeed herein lies a tale that you will, I am sure carry with you forever more. For it was indeed a cold and stormy night and the captain said…

Sorry apologies there I seem to have meandered somewhat, but it was a most special day, for it was the day we discovered how the size of buildings changes over time.  A subject since which day has become known by those in the know as Temporal Sizemographicalism. 

And we may ask why then are we here again?   Well, if you are of an artistic nature you will perceive in these pictures the extra fine shadings, the artistic arrangement of the sheep, specially placed to give a duality to the texture and flexibility to the portrayal of the greenery, including the bendingnessity of the trees, deliberately carved so as to avoid any sense of classical pictorial balance of left and right.

But pray to stop not, I beg you, at this point for observe, if you will, the careful arrangement here of the sheep afront the trees upon the grass dexterously integrated with the rear ground image of the house.  We may indeed imagine more house, more chimnies, more windows continuing behind and to the left as we look, stretching ever onward as far as Brookingham in the Water.

And again as we look at the total house, one might ask, just how many chimnies do they need, and why perchance is the formal entrance with towers and balcony not directly ahead of the road, but slightly to the left as we look?  Is the world askew?

Or was this an error by an untrained architect or did, forsooth, the head of footpaths misread the notes and end up two feet to the right?

We shall of course never know, but instead, we may gaze upon the fields, wherein such geographic exactitude that is required of architects is not known among farmers, who throw their seed hither and yon.

But consider this if you will: exactitude in measurement and design is but a passing phase, and most certainly not a thing of which a house and landowner may speak, or will ever utter a word, for measurement is but the work of sinful common folk who with nothing better to do may speak of inches and centipedes, passing the time of day within the argument of the price of the litre of ale to help one on ones’ way in days of yore.

Thus the walkers and the “snappers” as they came to be called continued thus upon their journey. And therein as you can see, the most extraordinary thing happened, for before our very eyes the house shrank.  I kid you not, it got smaller and you can see it here.

And the trees too!

Well, of course, the first thing us jolly band of photographing phototakers did was to check our own height against the grass around us to see forsooth if it was not us that had got smaller, nor indeed the grasslands that had grown.  But no not at all.

For now all around us everything was shrinking, and only those items that were near us were remaining as they should.

Of course at this point your chronicler of things hereabouts, knowing his duty decided forthwith to check out the church which we had but passed a few hours afore.   And lo!

What might be said upon such themes as these which thereupon has not been said forsooth, if you catch my drift.   Upon making enquiries we were told to seek out a Swedish gentleman by the name of Per Spective and as we found him sitting with a leafy glade close by he explained it all.

For it seems the whole business of this getting smaller and larger is in fact a dastardly trick of Eastern imperialists seeking to undermine the very fabric of our democratic social distancing. What’s more sayeth he as he directed our sight to the church, that building that you saw as stretching mightily to the sky is now but less than the size of your thumb’s nail (the thumbnail being a standard unit of measurement in these parts).

You will see, soon enough, the mighty oaks reduced to the size of tiny vegetables within the ground and if caution is not upon you, you may find them rising up and attacking the very fibre of your being, shaking you outside and in until you fall upon the ground, unable to rise again.

“Cor blimey,” said my trusty companion.  “I never knew Ramblin’ was so bleedin’ dangerous.”

“Arrrh” said our guide as I noticed him slip an English Farmhand dictionary into his pocket.