Sawtry: the “great surprises” report

Pictures and rambling comments by Tony Attwood.  Readers seeking a semblance of reality have probably come to the wrong place and might be better served by clicking here.

Thus and so, on 13 April, we gathered, and as ever the first activity was what is now affectionately known as a game of car chess.

In this jolly adventure, each chess piece is represented by a vehicle and those standing around (ie those who can be seen in the picture) shout out commands as in “small red vehicle reverse to take out rambler standing in space” and so forth.   The driver with the smallest repair bill at the end is the winner.

Now of course there is a purpose to all this because Peterboroughshire is an area in which placid and calm people, which most Ramblers are, are encouraged to develop and evolve a more outgoing and forceful side of their personalities in what is known as Rewilding (or “getting bloody annoyed” as us Londoners call it).

But of course rewilding can be a little stressful for those partaking thereof and so annoyed seed-bearing plants are on hand to help anyone who still, at the end of the opening activity, feels a little placid and not up for the adventures yet to arrive.

Also here to keep us on our toes were some modern art constructions which were quite hard to understand.  The first example, shown in the picture here, was called “Alpha beta gamma delta” but I can’t tell you much more about it as it is all Greek to me.

[At this point your correspondent was taken away to spend a few days on a re-education course and I, Sir Hardly Anyone, have been asked to take over.]

Quite clearly by this point we had reached a part of the walk in which there were placed what those of us of an urban estate agency persuasion call “dwellings,” on the grounds that all professions have their own specialist language which is incomparable to the general members of the public, and so estate agents have inevitably followed hearts, clubs, diamonds and spades or suits as they are known.

Thus we engaged in suit-following for a while, and very jolly it was too, until it was time to venture fifth (although one or two of us who were getting a bit tired decided to cut out that part of the journey and instead ventured forth).

These “houses” as they are known are of course not for the likes of you and I, which is why they are fenced off in order to keep us out.   I am told that when the next Virgin Galactic flight sallies forth, it might well return with aliens, and if so this is where they will be housed, which I feel is rather far thinking and advanced of the local council and I am all in favour.

Indeed entertainments have already been put in place for any out-of-our-solar-system beings who arrive, with suitable decorations as can be seen herein.

Next up were the entities imported from alien wildernesses and all dressed in their finest Thursday coats, and pretty impressive they looked in my view.

At this point in the walk we then decided it would be best if we all gathered together in what I believe is locally known as a huddle.

For it appeared at this point that while alien spacecraft had indeed been spotted, and we were told that it is possible that our approaching the “houses” had angered the Spacemaster General, and that not to put too fine a point on it, we were advised to sally forth in the opposite direction.

However none was quite sure what the opposite direction was, but fortunately our group leader was on hand to tell and indeed demonstrate to us.  But we did pause long enough to put up a welcome sign for the aliens, which we trusted they would be able to read since “Welcome” is a word understood throughout the galaxy.

Well as you can imagine this was all pretty exhausting stuff and so a pause was ordered as we waited for the all-clear, but then to our absolute shock and horror….

[Text deleted on the grounds of public safety]

Fortunately yours truly had taken precautions for I had heard such things could happen, and I had bought along my trusty death-ray (purchased personally from Mr Branson on my last Virgin Galactic trip) and that quickly dealt with the matter.

I turned it on and in a trice we were all transported up, thither and yon, and deposited beyond the gate.  

I suggested that we should all just keep walking at this point, but no, some people had to turn round to the bemused guards and wave at them in what I can only describe as a friendly fashion.  Naturally I did not join in and at great personal risk and inconvenience returned to the aliens and apologised.  Fortunately speaking Alien was part of the music “O” level course I took at school in Dorset, so everything worked out fine.

However such action is not without its risks and thus we camped upon an upland hill [is there any other kind of hill – Ed.] and waited just to see.   All seemed well, except that we soon came upon a new sign – “Dogs to be”.  This of course makes no sense at all and I can only conceive that we have indeed now moved into a new reality.

This being something that means that the world around you may well look rather strange and weird every day – or at least I should say that is how it seems to me.

I’m relieved to say however that say that all members of our ensemble have been temporarily rehoused and we shall, next Thursday, be continuing our adventure by travelling to the second moon of Pluto, whereupon I understand there will be buttered scones for tea.

However it is possible that you were on the walk but missed some of the adventures described above.  I think this does happen when you are zapped in the countryside by an alien zapper; hence my desire to write this fulsome explanation of all that you missed.  If you have been, thank you for reading.